Father seems entirely satisfied seeing children every other weekend, because of his work, and no extended vacation times, because he hardly gets any vacation. Father says he trusts Mother's judgment and reasonableness in making decisions for the children and easily believes her statement that she will discuss any important issues with him as they come up and that she will take into account his viewpoint. They have been separated for an extended period before seeking the legal divorce, and things have gone well. The mediator wants to be sure the Father understands fully what he is doing.

Is this his viewpoint, position (location)?

Might the road you have chosen take you to a place where things don't look as good as they do now?

Or, is this a case where the Father has everything (Possessions) he needs or wants and is seeking nothing more?

Can some of these things be taken away later?

Father and Son Discussing Mother:

Son is telling Father about an argument between himself and his mother. He says Mother won’t budge and acts as if she’s totally right. Son says the only thing he can do is just “be done with her”, not have anything to do with her, and that will show her. Father attempts to help Son with what to do next ("tough" it out like an underwater swimmer, that is, you can’t do something dramatic and final, need to conserve oxygen and energy, think what is best direction to swim in, proceed not knowing if you will make it, but improving your chances; underwater swimmer should be tough, not panic and not be passive).

Parenting Coordinator case where Mother Physically Abused in Past:

As a court-appointed parenting coordinator I work to mediate parenting issues between divorced parents who are prevented from communicating directly by a restraining order. Where a mutual decision is not reached, the parenting coordinator is empowered to arbitrate decisions. The communications is usually conducted with each parent separately, shuttling back and forth between the two, collecting information, sharing proposals and facilitating mutually agreeable options.

In this case Mother had won a conviction of Father for spousal abuse over three years ago and she feared the possibility of encountering Father again despite his strict observance since then of a no-contact restraining order. She contacted me to say that the child (six years old) told her about driving around Mother's neighborhood with Father, inspecting the child’s school, church, etc. Mother said that Father "had our child show him" these places, "looked in the windows" of the school, etc. She said this was "upsetting news" and "will only lead to big problems."

When I contacted Father to ask what had happened he said that he and his son were passing through a certain section of town during the weekend and the child pointed out his church and then asked Father to turn at a certain corner to see his school. Father had not seen this school before so they got out to look around, including looking in the windows. Later the child asked to be driven past his mother's house and Father said that would not be a good idea, and they did not do it.

Did Mother regard Father's movements to be on her territory, on forbidden territory, putting him in a place where he could hurt her, where he might influence her in some way, get closer to their son, take something away?

Did Father take this drive to occupy territory, push or disturb Mother, touch or connect with his son?

Divorcing Couple Trying to Sell House:

A couple living separately, with most divorce issues already negotiated, are in the process of selling their marital residence, in which Mother is living until the sale. Questions come up about preparing the house for sale, including some repair, cleanup, painting certain parts, working in the garden and cutting the grass so the property will look at its best.

Regarding the grass, Mother wants Father to split the cost of a yard service and Father wants to drop by periodically and cut the grass himself. Although they are civil and cooperative, Mother does not want Father around what is now her residence (and she wants to have distance from him). Father wants to save money (and be valuable). Each wants the other to understand her or his own point view and appreciate it, and they begin an emotional argument. [Look for metaphor so far.]

After some discussion, Mother acts frustrated that Father seems unwilling to share cost. She says that she had thought about this beforehand and didn’t want to bring it up exactly because she thought Father would say what he said. Then she thought more and decided that she would feel down about herself if she did not try to state her needs and that she would feel more in touch with her real self if she tried, even without success.

Four-Way Mediation Where Two Walked Out:

Two divorced parents of a five-year old came to mediation, each bringing their current partners (who were playing important step parent roles). Each side believed the other was totally unreasonable in their demands for schedule changes and after-school care. Mother was angry because Father had ceased regular communication with her to coordinate day-to-day matters, except to unilaterally announce changes he intended to make. Father was angry at Mother because she reacted emotionally to his statements and because he believed she was interrogating their child about what was happening when at Father's house.

Although several practical matters had been put on the agenda, the mediator believed the parents' communications was so confused as to be disfunctional and that the child's best interest would be served by helping them each be more clearly heard and understood. So, even though the parents had mentioned issues such as after school day care, holiday schedule, and drop-off/pick-up times, the mediator identified the incidents over which they seemed to be most upset and directed them to discuss these; they were a birthday party arranged by Mother that Father supposedly made it impossible for the child to attend and an argument that the child had had with Father supposedly instigated by Mother's intrusive comments.

Hurricane, planting garden before clean up (everyone got the message but only Mother accepted the terminology; the others just went back to same arguments)

Need follow up to Father's sense of "being at the bottom" (difficult to accept), having his child pulled out of his life, him being pushed away.

Need followup to Mother's frustration over not being heard, so she makes accusational statements.

Mother's insistence that she could not discuss any change in daycare, that the court or arbitrater would have to order it.

Father's and partner's determination not to improve communication, but simply to illustrate how bad it is and thereby justify going to court.

Mother Who is Regularly Abused Verbally by Ex-Husband/Father:

Mother wants to send a determined but seemingly toothless "signal"; mediator believes she should get authorities involved so that Husband gets real help in dealing with anger and aggression.

Father Set Up by Mother as Sexual Abuser:

Father now has regular parenting time, yet still feels enraged and devastated by Mother's set up, her continued denial, all that he had to go through, and that his children sometimes tell him he will have to go to jail (when he disciplines them). Father wants equal parenting time, a guarded distance from exwife, because she "works him". He wishes he could set the record straight about what really happened. He feels disgust around exwife, yet speaks often about untangling the mess between them, for the kids' sake. He wants to develop a proposal to her for changes in parenting time, child support and their manner of interacting, not badmouthing him to the children, etc. He speaks about the wrongs done to him with passion and determination. These speeches take priority in free-ranging discussion and come across as very much emotionally charged.

Mediator explores whether Father realizes when he starts on one of these denunciations or descriptions. Father responds by giving reasons for what he says. He says it seems to be an opportunity to be heard and to discharge the frustration. He doesn't seem aware of initially how he might recognize the difference between launching into another example versus continuing to explore his true intention, which is to be a strong, positive father in children's lives.

The mediator points out that Father comes across as somewhat crazed – quite charged up over the wrongs done to him, which makes him appear weird, strange and perhaps dangerous to others, definitely to his ex wife and probably to his children as well. Since he wants to work out cooperative arrangements with his ex wife, does he see that he may need to modulate his behavior and act more “normal”? But what about his dignity and sense of justice, he responds.

- walking along a ledge;

- slipping through a narrow cravas, needing to present a very particular profile;

- experimenting with how to preserve dignity (keep your balance) as you enlarge the playing field (enlarge space for your feet).

- You’re in a very crowded space carrying valuable and delicate material and you risk being knocked down and crushed under foot. If you push and shove you’ll likely become a target and have a worse result. What can you do to get some additional space for yourself?

Husband Didn’t Want Divorce:

Husband says that no matter what, they have things they can do and help available so they don’t have to end the marriage. You just don’t do that to kids when there is help available and things left that you can do.

The cause of the divorce is coming from somewhere, something else.

What causes one to do such things?

How can you tell which thing causes what?

Wife Chose Not to Work When Kids Were Little:

Husband says Wife choose not to work while kids were small, so they were limited as to money and had to go into debt. Now this is a joint debt that Husband hadn’t wanted them to have in the first place. Furthermore Wife wants Husband to share some of his retirement account because she wasn’t able to contribute to hers while she wasn’t working.

Mediator Explains Three Kinds of Maintenance Agreements:

Mediator takes time to outline the differences between waived maintenance, contractual maintenance, and open-ended maintenance.

Wife Unhappy for Years:

Wife says that for years she was unhappy in the marriage. She says she told Husband and he would not address her concerns. Instead he worked long hours or went out with his friends. When he returned he would ask if now everything was all right. His lack of a truly understanding response evidently left her feeling so unconnected to him that she slowly made a private decision to divorce.

Wife’s Spirit Broken:

She said that when she visited old friends, they told her she had changed, that her spirit seemed to have been broken,

On Different Paths:

He said they were going on different paths. They had thought they were going the same way, but they weren’t. It wasn’t a common journey they were on, he said, they were really headed for different places. She said that because they had two children they both loved that they could find a way to stay together.

Husband Doesn’t Manage Money Well:

Husband says he gets along as best he can regarding money. When he has more he may spend more, and when he has less he gets by. Divorcing Wife says that, because he can’t manage his money well he simply uses everything that comes his way, which leaves less for her. Husband points out that Wife’s budget is smaller because she needs less.

Husband Earns More So He Says He Should Have More:

Husband has been presented with the notion that total income of both parties should be approximately evenly distributed for some period of time after divorce. He is not against Wife having enough to live on, but simply refuses a nearly equal split because, since he earns much more he should have much more.

Husband Wants Wife To Live In City:

The Husband, as part of the divorce agreement, wants Wife to live within the city to make transportation for kids easier and facilitate exchanges. Wife is willing, but would then need to spend more money to rent a house. Furthermore, her home-based business will be less profitable in the city versus the suburbs. Therefore, she wants more support from Husband so she can live in the city. If she lives in the city she will be able to care for the children and markedly reduce childcare costs. Husband says there are other ways to get reduced cost childcare, so he doesn’t want to compensate her for this, although he would be willing to pay her a little bit more if she lived in the city. He won’t pay her as much more as she says she needs because he doesn’t want to support a lavish life style or compensate her for her inability to economize. She says she needs enough to avoid being on the brink of not having enough money. She also says it is only fair since she will be living in the city as he wants her to do.

Mother Wants to Move:

After the divorce, Mother says she wants to move back to the West Coast where she came from and her family still lives and more jobs are available. She says that of course the children should be with her, and it is true that Father has always spent relatively little time with the children, although he loves them and they love him. He points out that, if she moves, the children will not know him well or be very connected, not benefit from his influence, he will be deprived of fatherhood and the children deprived of being fathered very much at all. Father experiences frustration and says all of this will alienate him from his children, something that would not happen if they did not move.

Father Resisting Mother’s Involvement in Childs Activities:

Before the divorce Mother had regularly served as the manager of one or more of their four children’s soccer teams. She was always very involved in the running of the team, selection of coaches, trips, snacks, scheduling and activities. After the divorce, Mother continued this, and Father found it to be intrusive, because Mother was always making urgent calls to the children when they were at Father’s house to ask their preferences, inform them of changes and make special arrangements having to do with soccer. Father also found that Mother, at those times, seemed to be favoring the children on “her” teams, and ignoring the others, who wanted more of their mother’s attention. Everyone was under stress, so Father insisted she not be team manager anymore. Mother, loving this activity, intended to continue.

College Choices for Teenage Daughter:

Divorced when their daughter was young, Mother and Father had been in court numerous times, with their daughter living almost exclusively first with Mother, then with Father, then Mother again. Daughter is very spoiled by both. Father insists daughter go to a prestigious, east-coast university, daughter is not particularly motivated, and Mother is guiding her towards a more low-key, nurturing school. Daughter resists the initiatives of both and, while with one, defends the other parent.

Students Sharing Locker:

One of the students says that the other student who shares her locker has stolen her term paper that she has worked hard on and is due immediately. The other student says she definitely did not steal the paper. They discuss what happened at length but the first student continues to insist the other student stole the paper. To the mediator there appears to be very little evidence that the paper was stolen, yet the first student is absolutely convinced this is the case.

Father Not Receiving Phone Calls from Child:

According to their court order Mother is to make sure that young child calls Father on the phone per a stated schedule. The calls do not occur about 40% of the time, significantly reducing the Father’s access to his child. Father wants sanctions against the Mother because, he says, she will make sure the calls occur if there would be a penalty for not doing so.

Post Divorce Settlement and Maintenance:

Their divorce decree ordered Wife (who, at the time, owned a successful business) to pay Husband a large cash settlement in three installments plus maintenance for a period of years, but Husband would pay Wife child support. Wife failed to make the payments in full (because her income dropped due to a bad economy) and Husband stopped paying child support (in response). Wife criticized Husband’s drinking, accusing him of being unsafe with their children. Husband accused Wife of being a liar and deliberately running her business down to avoid having to pay as ordered. Husband claimed he couldn’t afford to pay child support because Wife had not made the required settlement and maintenance payments. Wife claimed an inability to pay on time due to business failure. Besides their deep animosity and lack of trust, neither seemed willing to negotiate a new payment arrangement because each had staked their argument on requiring the exact sums already stipulated.

Mother Dies Before Resolution With Son:

Mother and grown son had had an intense verbal argument one evening after a dinner together, and they had parted with very hurtful remarks. Neither had initiated contact for several weeks when Mother suddenly died in her home of an undiagnosed disorder. Some months after the death Son felt somewhat adjusted to the loss, but remained upset about the unresolved conflict. “She really got me this time,” he said. Was he thinking she had penetrated more deeply than usual? Did she deliver the last shot in a gun battle or the final body check in a contact sport? Was it the closing hand of a poker game and she had a grand slam? Somehow she had made a move that weakened him. Where was she going with this? What might she have been trying to give him or take away? Was her goal to destroy him or make him wiser? Was her manner sly, clever, sneaky, taking unfair advantage or was it brilliant, on target, masterful?

Couple Not Entirely Sure Divorce is Best:

I asked a divorcing couple if they were both in agreement to go ahead with the divorce, or whether either had reservations. Wife said she was not sure it was entirely the best thing. Yet she said she was ready to go ahead with the divorce. She said she believed that she needed to work on certain issues, and that she probably could somehow have found a way to work on them within the marriage. But it wasn't happening, a lot of time was passing without change, and she believed it was important to move on.

Children Seem to Regress While With Parent:

One parent is concerned that when their two early elementary school age children are with the other parent the children seem to regress, act as they did when much younger, and are not learning age-appropriate skills. When the children return they act spoiled and dependent. The other parent believes nothing is wrong, except perhaps that the first parent limits the children, often doesn’t seem to pay them enough attention, and doesn’t let them just be kids.

Parent Works Relentlessly on Project:

Parent Preoccupied With Situation At Work:

Agree on Spousal Support But Disagree on Duration:

A divorcing couple in mediation is discussing spousal support. They agree that Wife will live in their marital home and be a stay-at-home mom until both kids are full-time at school. And they agree that Husband should pay maintenance of a certain amount per month, but Husband says it should be for five years and Wife says seven. The mediator asks each to tell the most important thing about the length of time they each favor. Wife says seven years keeps the plan on track for the mother role and job future they both agree is best – she will have two years after their youngest child will be in full-day school, at which point she will have had two years to upgrade her skills and get a job. Husband says he is just marking time and won’t have the money to buy a home until maintenance is over, and five years is plenty long enough to wait.

Telling the Children About Separation and Divorce:

A mother and father have been thinking about divorce for some time and finally decided that they must proceed. Their children are not aware of the parents’ decision and both parents are still living under the same roof. An early topic in their divorce mediation is when to make the physical separation and when and exactly what to tell the children. They realized that they first wanted to make decisions about the separation so they could then let the kids know what to expect. They also wanted to make sure they addressed each child’s age-related needs in telling them what will happen. It would be difficult to cover all the bases properly even if the parents find it easy to agree, but they both knew this would be difficult.

Mother Loses Custody and Sees Children Seldom:

A mother originally had custody of her two young daughters. When the children were older a series of events lead to the daughters’ moving in with their father. Soon after that the father noted some “strange” behavior on the part of Mother and he went to court to seek custody for himself. An evaluation was done that supported Father’s motion for custody and labeled Mother as having a personality disorder. Mother was at first outraged and filed a series of motions to challenge a parenting schedule that gave her very little parenting time. Father countered with motions that successfully restricted Mother even more. After a while Mother began to seek mediation since court action had given her no relief. She said she simply wanted to discuss ways to improve her relationship with her children, whatever it would take. Father resisted an open discussion of issues because he said Mother had not made progress on the psychological issues originally identified in the evaluation.

When and How to Do Physical Separation:

Both find it a strain to live under the same roof while negotiating their divorce. Husband says it isn’t really too bad, it will be much less expensive until they have divided things up and he can then find a suitable place, he is closer to the kids. Wife says it is truly getting on her nerves, it prolongs the confusion the children feel, and their ability to cooperate regarding the kids is vulnerable to the moods generated from living in the same house.

Husband Dreads Future Poverty:

A man came alone to the mediator to discuss how mediation might be structured. His wife, who earns most of the household income, has said on several occasions that, if he leaves her, she will make sure he ends up “on the wrong side of the tracks” and in poverty. He sees images of destitute people and imagines himself as one of them – no proper housing, rags for clothing, unable to earn a living, no dignity. The marriage has been unbearable for years, and they have even discussed divorce, but every time he starts to take action, she renews her threats. Because he got himself into this situation and hadn’t the will to take appropriate steps earlier, he somehow believes he is destined for a terrible fate.

Wife Wants House:

"I really want the house, but I'm afraid that to get it, I'll have to give up the pension."

Mother Would Give Up Parenting Time Rather Than Pay Child Support:

In an unusual case, the Mom decided to have a child conceived outside of marriage and let the father bring up the baby girl. Mom was not very bonded with the child, yet saw her more or less regularly from birth onward and developed some love and attachment. Dad wanted Mom to be at least somewhat more involved, but their communication was not very good. Because of Mom’s higher income and the fact that she had much less time with the child, Dad learned that he could collect child support from her, and he hired an attorney to file a motion with the court, and it was granted. Mom knew Dad had plenty of money with which to raise the child and didn’t actually need child support. Dad as much as admitted it, but argued that if she had to pay, she might get more involved. Mom thought it was Dad’s attempt to lure her back into his life, and declared that if he persisted with the child support she would simply remove herself completely from her daughter’s life.

Disputant Declares Unwillingness to Proceed:

After a couple of sessions, part way through the third, one party appears disgruntled at what the other party seems to believe is worthwhile: “I’m having a real problem with where this is going.”

Parent Offended By Children’s Disrespect for Saints:

A parent expresses offense in books, art, etc. that is accessible to children, saying he is sick and ashamed when kids speak of the Virgin Mary in disrespectful terms after exposure to these sources. He is sure this will lead children at the very least to regard saints as entertainers and weaken moral teachings.

Divorcing Step Mom of Motherless Kids Wants Assured Role

Years ago when they were quite young, after their mother died, their father married and the kids very much accepted and loved their new stepmother. Now the couple is divorcing while continuing to co-parent the children. Step Mom knows she has no automatic rights and, if Dad remarried at some point, her role in the children’s lives could be much diminished or eliminated altogether. She wants an agreement, to be approved by the court and enforceable, that assures her role as these kids’ mother and gives her parental rights and responsibilities.

Dad is willing that she retains her role, that she takes responsibility for the kids that seems to work out and make sense, but doesn’t want some order that he fears will put his soon-to-be ex-wife “in the middle of his life.” Consequently he is not willing to discuss specifically her parental responsibilities or design a parenting plan with a schedule that he would have difficulty changing if he should need to. For the same reasons he doesn’t want to expand Step Mom’s role or responsibilities now, even though that could help him cope with all the things going on in his life right now and would be fine with the kids.

Step Mom fears that if specific plans and agreements are not made that, bit-by-bit or after a time, she will be “phased out”. In that way she will be “suckered” into helping now, get even closer to the kids who need her during this time of stress, but be “stuck with underdog status, made powerless, ineffective, unable to keep this strong relationship with the kids developed over years, that has become hers naturally and organically.” This would be a direct challenge to her integrity and values if it were just cut off or put on the shelf. She doesn’t want to have to “re-sell the deal” if conditions change in the future.

Parent With Joint Custody Moving Overseas

Unexpectedly the divorced father of a pre-adolescent boy announces that, after soul-searching, he has decided to accept an unusual opportunity to change his career and move to Mexico. Since their divorce two years earlier both father and mother have been cooperating in co-parenting and sharing equal time with their son. According to both parents things have been going very well, their child is thriving and, until recently, both had looked forward to continuing to live in close proximity and support mutual collaboration.

Now they must consider a plan involving frequent, long plane trips and the possibility of their son living with each parent alternate years or in blocks of years and going to school thousands of miles from the other parent. Mother, who had been fully satisfied with arrangements up to now, complains that Father has put his personal happiness ahead of their child’s welfare. She points out that their divorce decree and separation agreement states that they planned to continue to live in the same community and, should one of them wish to move away, the one remaining would be presumed to have primary physical custody. She was depending on the stability of the their existing arrangements. She is not willing to agree to go to such trouble and expense, all in order to be exposed to the risks of life in a developing country.

Father acknowledges how much more complicated things will become but is enthusiastic about the opportunities for their child to participate in this adventure and to get to know more of the world. Besides, he says, what kind of a father would he really be if he let himself stay in the same old rut and didn’t take opportunities like this. He wants a new plan that will assure his continued role as active and influential parent in his child’s life. He wants Mother to accept any inconveniences as a small price to pay for his active involvement and their child’s development in two cultures, growing up to be someone who is open and accepting of different parts of the world, languages and points of view.

Hints:

Forming a Plan is Balancing/Trading Off

Life Choices are Selections of One Thing Over Another

Life is Improving What You Have

Progress in Life is Progressively Improving What You Have
A Stable Life is Improving What You Have While Remaining Stable

Life is Exploring

Dividing a Labor of Love

A divorcing couple needs to find an equitable way to divide the property they own, on which is a partially-build home. One of them invested most of the money as well as legal and political expertise to get through a tricky building permit situation. The other invested some money and a lot of skilled labor in construction. They are both intent that the property not be sold to a third party. One of them will buy out the other, but they don’t yet know who will be able to do so. Consequently, they want a plan that will allocate each spouse’s contribution fairly so either one can buy out the property and improvements from the other. This, they hope, will work to neutralize any biases of the buyer to undervalue and the seller to overvalue.

They have discussed using market estimates of the cost of the contributions made by each of them, but find that market value puts too high a price on some parts (because the professionals get unusually high pay) and too low a price on other parts (because workers who do that work are often underpaid). They have also discussed valuing their contributions according to the rate of pay each of them could otherwise have earned. Finally they are fully aware that legal precedents tend to rely on market values and to consider money and effort put into family projects as merged assets not necessarily recoverable in proportion to the size of each person’s contribution. So they know the rules by which many or most other divorcing couples play but, although they argue about how to do it, they agree their case must be handled more in tune with their particular situation.

They have each made lists of parts of the work completed, hours and money spent, and the various ways they each contributed in less tangible ways. They have had frustrations in finding documentation of each part of the project so far, agreeing on hours and actual cash expended on each, the levels of skill required, whether it was really necessary or just nice, what one of them may remember and the other has completely forgotten, etc.

Beginning to Think About Moving Out of the Marital Home

One divorcing spouse is, for the first time, realizing that after the divorce the house must be sold so that each can receive their share of the equity to use in getting a new place to live. This person has looked at housing comparable to the marital home and seen that it is much too expensive for one person to afford. After estimating what will be received as a share of the equity from the marital home, this person’s conclusion is that it will only buy a very small and unattractive home. So the situation seems depressing and hopeless and there is much recrimination and resentment expressed during discussion of this in mediation.

[General is Specific is probably the metaphor used to form the dichotomy – the universe of possibilities is metaphorically formed from the two specific cases known. The Chain of Being metaphor is an antidote and it is a generic metaphor known in some way to just about everyone. If the client is not using this metaphor in some way already in the discussion, a series of questions or analogical suggestions may be appropriate, such as deciding what pet to get, given size, ease of care, companionship, temperament, etc. when someone has only known ferrets and rottweilers before.